As a Christian, it is important to learn how to recognize red flags in Christian dating because you need to ensure you don’t end up in a relationship that doesn’t glorify God.
God is concerned about our relationships because our relationships will eventually play a major role when we marry. And from God’s standpoint, marriage is ultimately supposed to bring glory to God and enable us to fulfil our purposes.
This is why it is important we look at some of the red flags in Christian dating. So, if you notice even one of the following warning signs, you can be convinced that it is not a relationship that ultimately will bring glory to God as aspected.
These 15 red flags are deal breakers in Christian relationships. Hence it is important to know them and watch out for them when dating. So let’s take a look at some of the red flags in Christian dating.
1. No Love Or Zeal For The Lord
One of the red flags in Christian dating is when your partner has no love or zeal for the Lord. Does your significant other seem less excited about attending church than you are?
Does their love for God come off as something they think they should feel rather than what they really do feel? If so, it might be time to look further and find someone who loves Jesus as much as you do or more than you do.
After all, if we want someone to love us as much as we love them, then it makes sense that God would desire us to love him at least as much! In fact, we often hear people say something like God is always first in my life.
When Jesus was on earth, not once did Jesus ever tell his followers to put anything above him. In fact, he said that anyone who wants to be his follower must deny themselves and pick up their cross.
The Bible has much to say about love and zeal. If you’re dating someone who doesn’t have either, then they might not be after Jesus as much as you think they are.
Is it possible that your new love interest is looking for something else? So get to know them better and make sure there’s no lack of enthusiasm for Jesus and His gospel on their part.
The first and most important requirement for any relationship is that you have love for God. If your significant other does not make God their top priority, there is little hope for your relationship to last long term.
A person’s response to God reveals much about who they are and what kind of person they will be for you as well. Do you feel closer to or further from God after spending some time with your partner? Do you feel uplifted by their presence in worship, or does it leave you spiritually drained?
Are they slow to respond when asked about what Bible verses stand out in their life or why those verses do? Do they bring up spiritual things naturally during a conversation, or do they look uncomfortable when you bring them up?
If you have ever asked what are red flags in Christian dating? The lack of genuine love for God is first on the list. This is because your partner will only love and respect you as they should from their love and response to God’s love and instruction.
2. Carnality And Love Of The World
The second red flags in Christian dating is when you notice carnality and love for the world. A true follower of Jesus Christ should be able to separate themselves from worldly things.
If they can’t, that is a red flag—not just because it means they are probably living like everyone else around them but also because their priorities might not align with those of God.
We are told in Matthew 6:24 that “No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other, Ye cannot serve God and mammon.”
This means that as believers and followers of Christ, we can’t have a neutral standpoint regarding either being for God or the world.
The Bible says in 1 John 2:15-16, “Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man loveth the world, the love of the Father is not in him.”
As Christians, we have been called out of darkness and into light (1 Thessalonians 5:5). We have been called out from among our own people (Exodus 12:48) and chosen by God for His own possession (Ephesians 1:4). We must make every effort to stay focused on Him alone.
The fruit of carnality is usually self-centeredness, and this often leads to pleasing our bodies rather God. In addition, it could lead to premarital sex, which is one of the many spiritual red flags in a relationship.
3. Uncontrollable Anger
Lacking the ability to control anger is one of the red flags in Christian dating. If someone is very quick to anger, has frequent explosive outbursts, or switches emotions quickly (i.e., happiness to rage), this shows a lack of ability to regulate emotions in a healthy way—and is ultimately unpleasant and frightening to be around.
If your significant other has anger management issues, you might feel threatened or unsafe during conflict. Lack of emotional regulation is a definite red flag for any relationship.
We all should feel comfortable enough with a partner or friend to tackle difficult subjects without fearing for our safety. Anyone who uses anger as an intimidation tactic is displaying toxic behaviour.
The Bible in Psalm 37:8 warms, “Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.” Also, Proverbs 22:24 tells us, “Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man.”
While anger can be difficult to control sometimes, the Bible tells us how to act even when we become angry. In Ephesians 4:26, the Bible says, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger…”
Lacking the ability to control one’s anger often leads to sins like bitterness, unforgiveness, malice and hatred. And the Bible in Ephesians 4:31 instructs us, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.”
Anger is clearly one of the red flags in the Bible. Many scriptures talk about anger and the dangers of harbouring it in our hearts. This is why Christians are commanded to have self-control (Galatians 5:22) and constantly work on themselves.
4. Unforgiveness
No relationship should be built upon grudges and bitter feelings. Unforgiveness is one of red flags in Christian dating. If someone you’re dating needs healing from past hurts, prayerfully consider if God might want to use you as a source of that healing.
But if your significant other isn’t willing to let go of the past and forgive, then its best you both part ways. This is because unforgiveness is like cancer; it spreads and grows worse with time.
A lack of forgiveness damages your own well-being, poisons your relationships and blocks God’s willingness to use you for His glory.
The more unforgiveness there is in your heart, the less you can experience true love; it’s impossible to fully love another person when part of you is still angry.
If you are struggling with unforgiveness in your own heart, then you need to figure out how to work toward forgiveness before opening up your heart again.
It’s not healthy for either party if both people involved can’t move beyond their hurts. Work toward forgiving yourself and others so that when it comes time for you to decide whether or not you want someone in your life long-term, you have an honest view of who that person is.
5. Cheating
As believers, we are called to live a life devoted to God and the people in our life. We are expected to be faithful to those we are dating. Cheating is one of the red flags in Christian dating.
The Bible condemns cheating. Many times I get asked the question, what should a Christian not do when dating? One of the things I tell them is that as believers, we are expected to be examples even to nonbelievers around us.
So while the world may celebrate and tolerate infidelity, we are supposed to be different as believers. A healthy relationship should be built on trust and mutual respect.
Proverbs 11:1 tells us, “The Lord hates cheating and delights in honesty.” (The Living Bible) No home built on the foundations of lies, and cheating eventually lasts.
6. No Honour For Authority
We are called to live a life that expresses honour and respect. Having no honour for authority is one of the red flags in Christian dating.
It is dangerous and wrong when your significant partner doesn’t have anyone they respect or can listen to. No one wants to be with someone who doesn’t honour or even like their parents, teachers, or other people who have authority over them.
If your partner has difficulty respecting their family’s authority, how will they respect yours? How will they treat you? Studies show that abusive relationships often begin when one partner doesn’t honour those who are in authority.
In marriage, men and women should desire to follow their spouse’s lead and seek after godly wisdom. If either party stops honouring the other, conflict is sure to follow; and when it does, it’s a sign of bigger problems down the road.
For example, suppose your significant other disrespects your parents and defies their boundaries. In that case, you might be dating someone who will eventually disrespect and dishonour you in the future.
7. Manipulation And Deception
One of the red flags in Christian dating you need to watch out for is manipulation and deception. If you’re dating someone who feels as though they have to be deceptive to get what they want, that’s not a good sign.
This can be tricky because manipulation may not always come with a sinister motive. Instead, it might just be someone trying to get what they want by leading you to believe something that is untrue.
A key red flag is when someone puts on a nice persona to earn your trust but then reveals a more negative side once you’ve been fooled into trusting them.
The best way to identify manipulative and deceptive people is to recognize how they treat others when there’s no reason for doing so.
If someone has a track record of treating people poorly, don’t expect them to change their ways just because they know you and want to win your heart.
Deception can be hard to spot and can come in many forms. It might be as simple as lying about their past, education or background. However, it may also be more severe, like denying previous relationships that you know happened.
When you’re dating someone with hopes for more, look for actions that contradict what they say. They may claim to treat you well and want your relationship to succeed but then show favouritism toward other people or routinely sabotage your time together.
8. Lack Of Self Control
Lack of self control is one of the red flags in Christian dating. This is because self-control is key to a successful dating life. When two people are attracted to each other, it’s easy to give into temptation and do things you shouldn’t.
Self control allows you to deny your impulses and think through what’s best for your relationship. Without self control, you won’t be able, to be firm with yourself about what really matters in a romantic relationship—and that is key.
There’s no shortage of temptations in modern culture. It’s easy to give in to sexual desires and simply have a one-night stand.
Or it can be tempting to flirt excessively, get attached and then hurt someone you care about by breaking off an affair or entering into a meaningless relationship that won’t last.
But all of these things come at a cost; they hurt everyone involved and damage your ability to work through problems with honesty and self-control down the road.
So if you want something meaningful, stick to your boundaries! Don’t start something you know won’t end well, and don’t let yourself lose control over what matters most.
9. Keeps Secrets
Healthy dating relationships are built on trust, but as time goes on, people change and what is considered normal differs from couple to couple.
If your partner suddenly becomes secretive about their past or recent history, there’s a good chance they’re hiding something.
It is dangerous to be in a relationship with someone who keeps secrets. Sure, we all have things we want to keep private, but if your partner has secrets that they aren’t telling you about, the type of secrets that make you wonder whether you really know them at all, then you need to take a step back and think things over again.
Keeping secrets is one of the red flags in Christian dating that you should be on the lookout for. People who hide things aren’t trustworthy. If a person seems to have something to hide, that should be a red flag for you.
They might be hiding potential problems with their health, past relationships or financial situation. Of course, everyone has secrets, but if your partner is keeping something from you that they refuse to reveal and it doesn’t seem to be a reasonable explanation for it, it could spell trouble for your relationship.
10. Uncontrollable Jealousy
As believers, we are expected to live a life of trust not to God alone but our significant other. So learn to trust your partner. If you feel like you can’t trust your significant other, it might be time to consider parting ways.
Jealousy is a tough emotion to deal with, and it can make a relationship difficult and even ruin it if left unchecked. Both partners need to trust each other’s actions; often, jealousy stems from a lack of communication.
When your partner isn’t able to control their jealousy, it indicates that they are yet to put their emotions in check and could eventually harm you.
It is not uncommon for couples to misinterpret jealousy for love, especially if that jealousy is generally healthy and infrequent. But constant jealousy is anything but loving.
Excessive jealousy wreaks havoc on a relationship as the jealous person becomes more and more fearful, angry, and controlling.
Eventually, jealousy can lead to resentment and defensiveness.1 It also destroys the trust in a relationship and leads to more arguments, especially if the jealous person makes demands and constantly questions the other person.
11. Insensitive And Uncompassionate
A relationship isn’t a thing to joke about. When your partner is insensitive and uncompassionate, it indicates one of the red flags in Christian dating. The Bible talks about how God understands us in our weaknesses.
This means He is able to feel what we feel and understand what we are going through. If your date is insensitive to your feelings, it’s a sign of selfishness and will only get worse as you spend more time together.
In a relationship, you want someone who shows genuine compassion towards you; if they don’t make an effort to understand you and your emotions, this reeks of selfishness.
If your partner is insensitive and uncompassionate, they aren’t exactly fit to be a part of your life or relationship. They are not showing Godly character and you don’t want someone like that influencing who you are as a person.
Additionally, if they don’t have compassion for others, that shows that they might not be right for you. This because you can tell about a person’s character from the way they treat people who they don’t have anything to benefit from.
12. Abuse
Abusive relationships and dating involve fear, manipulation, and control. Victims of abusive relationships usually feel trapped, helpless, and hopeless. This is why one of the many red flags in Christian dating is any kind of abuse.
If a man or woman is verbally or physically abusive, that’s a serious red flag. The Bible is clear about abuse. Many victims are scared to end a relationship because of threats that have been made against them.
If you find yourself dating someone who exhibits controlling behavior or has tried to put you down in some way, then it is best to a rethink as those are signs of abuse in your relationship.
It’s also a red flag if your partner tries to isolate you from family or friends or blames other people for problems he or she is having instead of taking responsibility for his/her own life. No matter the form of abuse, God wants more for us than to be stuck in an abusive relationship.
13. Emotional Unavailability
One of the most obvious red flags in Christian dating to watch out for is emotional unavailability. All too often, we find ourselves involved with people who don’t want to be emotionally involved.
This person will often tell you that they are done with relationships, or that they have a hard time committing because they want their freedom.
They may say something like, I feel like it would be better if I just focus on me right now. Unfortunately, even if someone says these kinds of things to you, they are still capable of being in a relationship with you if and when they are ready.
Ask yourself whether or not your relationship feels one-sided. When dating someone who is emotionally unavailable, it can be difficult for them to express how much they enjoy your company and how happy they feel around you—even if that’s true.
As long as their actions contradict what they say, it will take longer than expected for them to act accordingly.
14. Selfish And Self Centered
First and foremost, a selfish person will never be able to invest into a relationship with another person. A healthy relationship needs both parties to be willing and able to give as much or more than they receive from their partner.
Second, if your future partner refuses to put his or her own needs aside for yours – at least temporarily – then there is no basis of understanding or compromise on which you can build a foundation of respect, trust and friendship.
This simple requirement is often overlooked by those seeking romance but unwilling to sacrifice something they feel like they need right now.
You see, a selfish person is only looking out for themselves. A genuinely caring person will try to find time to help you whether or not they feel like it because your needs as much as their own.
Selfish people often have problems with respect which stems from selfishness. When given requests by others, they’re so focused on what they want that it prevents them from being able to understand what someone else wants.
15. Incompatibility
This is a major red flag, so much so that it gets its own category. Compatibility is essential to any relationship. If you’re incompatible with your dating partner, it can be extremely difficult to build a lasting relationship, no matter how great he or she seems initially.
Even if there isn’t anything particularly wrong, if you don’t have things in common or know each other on a deep level and understand each other’s goals and aspirations for life, you may find that your relationship no matter how passionate will not last long.
Either way, incompatibility is one of those red flags that’s worth paying attention to. If you find that you’re not compatible with your partner, there are two things that are important to remember.
The first is to be honest with yourself. If your significant other isn’t giving you what you need, it’s time to move on.
On the other hand, if there are issues from which neither of you can escape or turn around, and those issues will prevent future compatibility (such as differing beliefs or fundamental character differences), then it may be time for both of you to move on before things go too far.
Conclusion
As Christians, we have to be discerning when it comes to dating. Sometimes, there are situations that just don’t seem right—for one reason or another.
Even if you’re not an expert at telling right from wrong, the Holy Spirit will tell you what is and isn’t right for you. If there are any red flags that pop up while you’re getting to know someone (i.e., they exhibit characteristics that should make you think twice before pursuing a relationship with them), listen to your instinct and draw back until things are cleared up.
While it might sound extreme, sometimes a relationship isn’t worth going through all of life’s ups and downs for.
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